Has anyone ever told you that you’re too picky when it comes to dating? And that if you want to meet someone you have to give guys more of a chance?
Lately, several of my single clients have been telling me that their friend and family have been blaming their singlehood on them being too choosy. I have something to say about this!
There seems to be a common misconception out there that if we've been single for a while, it’s because we’re picky and not willing to compromise. But what if we just have high standards, or haven’t met the right person yet? Some of us late bloomers, after all. Or perhaps our life path isn’t one that includes marriage. Who knows? But to call us picky is to generalize and make assumptions.
Who is Delivering the Message?
It’s important to keep in mind who is telling us we are too picky. Is it other single women in similar situations? Probably not. It’s usually friends or family members who are often already in relationships and have been for a while. They are probably out of touch with what it’s like to be on the dating scene, especially in today’s technological age. Or maybe they are settlers, having settled on a relationship that's ok but not great. They are well meaning, but they don’t fully understand our unique lives.
What Does Picky Even Mean?
Picky in the “bad” sense means we’re being too choosy about prospective mates and turning them down for petty or superficial reasons, like he’s balding, or we don’t like his car, or his job isn’t prestigious enough.
My definition of picky is a little different. To me, being picky means I'm not willing to settle on less than I deserve. It means not tolerating any form of abuse, insult or disrespect. It means I’m not forcing things, I’m not talking myself into liking a guy, or telling myself he’s a work in progress that I can change. What it does mean is that that this man I choose isn’t just a great guy, but we’ve also got chemistry and it simply feels right when we’re together.
Picky or Intuitive?
When I meet guys online, I read their profiles carefully and look at all of their photos. I read between the lines, get a sense of them energetically and narrow my choices down to the ones that really and truly interest me and seem to be on the same wavelength. Is it picky not to accept bad spelling? I don’t know, but I have certain standards. I’m passionate about good spelling and grammar, so those whose profiles are rambling and poorly written are an automatic “no” for me.
The result of this approach? I went on a great date last week with a fantastic guy who seemed well matched to me. We had a lot of fun, and we’re seeing each other again next week. If what I’m being is picky, then I’m pretty happy with the results.
I find that being “picky” helps me avoid bad dates, unsuitable and/or emotionally unstable men. Being picky is really just me listening to my intuition. I go with my gut. I heed the red flags right away. I don’t want to be with someone where it feels awkward, disconnected or passionless, and I’m willing to wait for the right guy. I would rather be alone than in an unhappy relationship, and the only way I will ensure I find a good relationship is if I listen to my intuition. And when it comes to my clients, I find they’re usually not actually being “picky” in the traditional sense, rather they are following their intuition.
So what’s the takeaway? It’s that it doesn’t matter what other people think of your dating style. What matters is that you feel comfortable with your approach. Your intuition is a powerful tool that will help you navigate dating, so listen to it, rather than the people around you.